Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
All I want is dick and wine.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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