Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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