i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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