I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
