JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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