After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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