Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
