I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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