It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
