Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
