When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize