I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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