i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
