My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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