I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
