Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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