I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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