the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
