Sponge bath it is.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
