I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
