Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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