My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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