So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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