i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
