I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My bed smells like the plague
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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