i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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