a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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