For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
