accomplished twins. life is a go
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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