I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
