Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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