I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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