I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
