Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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