My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
