If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancรฉe's engagement ring. FTW!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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