I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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