Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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