Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
