your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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