but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
