Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
