So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
