The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
