It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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