so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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