I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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