Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize