we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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