I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
