Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
