xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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