just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
