our cab driver is having phone sex.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
