How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I would ride that face into the sunset
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
