Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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