enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
