Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
