Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize