i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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