Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
