you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
