Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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