My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she looked like the before picture.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize