Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
