You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
