Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
