This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
