New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
