Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
