Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
